OKAY then

Thar be lettuce! Nice butter lettuce at a very good price too! 

Parole Board chairman: They've got a name for people like you H.I. That name is called "recidivism."
Parole Board member: Repeat offender!
Parole Board chairman: Not a pretty name, is it H.I.?
H.I.: No, sir. That's one bonehead name, but that ain't me any more.
Parole Board chairman: You're not just telling us what we want to hear?
H.I.: No, sir, no way.
Parole Board member: 'Cause we just want to hear the truth.
H.I.: Well, then I guess I am telling you what you want to hear.
Parole Board chairman: Boy, didn't we just tell you not to do that?
H.I.: Yes sir. 
Parole Board chairman: Okay then.

Okay then, Imma put up a honest to gawd real post.  Really, I am.  Just watch me.  You'll see.


Cooked lettuce.  Shit, people hardly ever cook lettuce. Mention cooked lettuce to most folks and their first reaction is WTF? Thing is, people do cook lettuce.  Minestrone anyone? People think nothing of sauteeing spinach or other greens. Hell, it's fucking trendy to sautee greens.  But you say say "lettuce" and eyes start batting.

So, sauteed lettuce.  No one makes sauteed lettuce. It's not difficult and it transforms the same old thing into something wonderful. I'm basically following Jacques Pepin on this, though it's been quite a few years since I read his recipe.

Bring a large pot of heavily salted water to teh burl. Put them lettuces in there, push 'em down some so they's covered. You could put a plate or something on top but I like my method, which should be pretty fucking obvious. If you have any questions, you're an idiot.

Cook it for ... I dunno, maybe five minutes?  Then drain and let cool.
While it was cooking I took a picture of our bar. It's an antique Chinese wedding cabinet. 

 Cheap mirror tiles from The Homo Depot go up with double-sided tape. I added lights but at the moment the switch is non-functional so I have to plug them in and unplug them which, as you can imagine, is something I can't be arsed to do.  

SO the lettuce has been drained (was I clever to use the colander to hold them down?) and left to cool.  Gently squeeze out as much Wasser as you can.  See why you have to let it cool?  I TOLD you didn't I?  HUH?  Don't blame me if you burn your fucking hands. And don't even think about suing me - I don't have two nickels to rub together, you'd be more than wasting your time. And money.  Hey, there's an idea! Instead of suing me, just send me the money you would have spent on a lawyer. It's a win win!  

Yeah, Hasselback potates.  I know they're trendy but done properly they're so damn good!  I like to slice them pretty thinly and push small slivers of garlic in every third or fourth slice. 

Cutting the lettuce. Slice it from end to end. Not shown, cut out the core as a V-shaped bit - otherwise it doesn't fold nicely. But hey, if you want to do it your own fucking way have at it. You can do any damn thing you like. Jerk. 

Roll / fold them up into chic little packets.

Drizzle some melted butter over the spuds.  You can't see it here but I also poured about 1/3 inch of my insanely good roasted brown chicken stock in the pan.  It's basically chicken demi glace. It is FUCKING AWESOME!

Salt and pepper. Note the completed lettuce rolls.  

The spuds get roasted in a hot oven.  How hot you ask. HOT okay? Prolly like 425 or something, I dunno. That's my setting for most things but I have a convection oven, YMMV. I really don't think it's that important either.  The important thing is to baste them several times. Oh, right, you want to know long to cook them, doncha? COOK THEM UNTIL UNTIL THEY'RE FUCKING DONE.

Butter and oil (good extra virginal Olivia works well here as we're not getting things all that hot). Put some salt and pepper on 'em too. Shit, do I really have to tell you every damn little thing? 

Them's done.  Grate some parm reggiano on those beauties.

Tri-tip was on sale and I picked up a bunch. Vacuum sealed most of it but these bits I marinated in some soy, honey, red pepper flakes, probably some other stuff, I don't remember.  Tossed them in a HOT cast iron pan for a few minutes turned them and popped into the still hot oven to finish.

Ooh, I just noticed some grape tomatoes on the counter. I like grape tomatoes this time of year - they have decent flavor, unlike most of the highly priced but bland crap at the market.  Some stores have heirloom tomatoes which are deefuckinglicious.  They aren't that expensive, not when compared to the tasteless crap right next to them but this time of year they come from far far away so I only buy them every now and then.  Gawd, how Portland of me!  So toss some into a medium hot pan with some olive oil  and cook them until they soften and just start to break.  

So there it is.  Sorry for the blurry final picture but much gin had been consumed by that point.  Don't forget to let the meat rest before slicing it.  And yeah, just a plain store bought baguette.  So sue me.

Final note - no, we didn't eat everything, there was leftovers. Delicious leftovers.